at least he's writing again

all of my pageviews are from germany.
guten tag.
when do i stop mentally referring to him as my girlfriend

you'd never ever be able to tell by looking at us now, but kami was my best friend up until the summer before she entered seventh grade and i, sixth.
she got into this really elite and community-like school called north branch with nine people per grade. it was in the middle of the woods and she had to do like four hours of homework a night and she was so happy there and whenever you talk about mass academy it's exactly like that all over again
and i can feel a deep boiling jealousy and i hate it it was exactly the same with her and it kind of destroyed us she never had the time to talk to me and i was too mad that i could never go there to think about anything else
because i should be happy that you get an escape out of the school system! you get to learn with good people! and do interesting things and you get a free fucking year of college and instant access to just about any school you apply to! but instead it's just like
i wanted to go to north branch and i never could
i want to go there and i never can
there are no escapes in my county if i lived one mile south i'd have all 10 union charter schools opened if i lived in south jersey there are a million schools there but i lost the lottery
it is a good school but i don't enjoy it and i want to go to somewhere that will change my life and wow i am such a selfish fucking bitch

fukfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfukfuckfuckfuckfuck

YOU FORGOT EAOIEWDJCOFIYEOAUSDCI FORIGET= YOU F UCKMINGA FORGOT YAOU SWOARE YOU FUCKING FAWSCOULWND'T YOU FUCKIBNGA CUNT I FUCJIOADNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGOAEIRUZDSJKLLLLA,,,M.J HTERA YAEOU  ANDOT YOU EVREWS FUCJING DARE

the first time that i emailed you i was drinking tea
it was in the night i typed out two paragraphs deleted them retyped three and just
stood there
for a few minutes
and sent
my entire stomach collapsed into itself and i refreshed my email at least seven times that night and well over seven the next and then when i got home at the end of the day it was Inbox (1) and i read it and read it and read it again
you were just as interesting as i remembered and you drew me in with your words
(the second time i emailed you was nine days after the first and only because you told me to, in the same ask set that you mentioned how much you loved your girlfriend, and my stomach collapsed in a different way)
maia was next to me, reading over my shoulder as we went through the old blog.
the first person i told was gillian
no
the first people i told were mary and erin, at camp, and it wasn't a thing but i hoped it could become, and tonight feels like a night in june.
i don't know where this was going.
i was going to tell you myself at first but it didn't have the same magic for you; after all, you had already halfway built your army full of whores

if i lived there would you see me

my stomach is just a knot

i have so much anger in my fingertips

stay on your toes and wathc me and dont let me get away with dismissing anthing

it's not okay even though i knew it

or if they do they will never match

no one is ever going to fall in love with me

middle school relationship (draft from 12/14/13)

he was cute and i wanted to talk to him, but i was too afraid, so i worked up all my nerve to send one message. he responded. he was as funny as he was a bastard as he was cute and it made me smile.
--
after the hurricane, me and him and granthony and guterbitch and gabe would go into the village and have a nutritious breakfast of scones and hot chocolate, and i'd mooch off their food because i had no money
we had the entire bus to the middle school to ourselves, yet he still sat next to me.
--
izzy and i were hanging out in the village with nothing to do, so we went to his house. we were the first visitors his family had had since moving to my town. we got him and dragged him to my house and we all sat on my bed taking selfies until my mom yelled at us to stop, and we watched x factor and made fun of bea. we sat in the same chair.
--
there was one time when the bus didn't show up for ten minutes, so i decided that i'd just walk to the school instead. i expected more people to come with me, but he was the only one that walked. his breath fogged up the air. we got there just as the bus arrived.
--
everyone knew that he liked me; nobody knew that the feelings were reciprocated except for me. they would tease him all the time to just ask me out already. when i told him, he proposed that we date for a day to get them to shut up, then break up immediately after.
well we did, and when they day was over, neither of us wanted to stop.
--
we were together for the entire day before the break; all two of our classes without the other had been canceled. the evil bitchy girls would yell at him "why her? are you guys gonna fuck in front of us?" i bowed my head and tried to disappear.

you promised so many times in the notebook that you would write me more letters and you never did.

1) don't ask if i want you to leave when you're going to leave anyway. i don't fucking want you to leave. i never fucking want you to leave and if i do ask you to leave it's because i'm afraid you want to and don't want to admit it.
"do you want me to get off the phone"
no i don't know
"well i have to leave anyway"
2) "use your words. articulate."
don't you dare ever talk to me like i'm a fucking six year old
3) i stopped watching orphan black because i wanted to talk to you
not that you'd know
not that you'd care
4) i'm always the one who calls first
5) you can lie to your parents and sneak out of the house to go see april, but you can't fucking ask them if you can come here
6) i am jealous because she can be awful to you and you will still love her no matter what
she treats you the way you treat me and i respond to you the way you respond to her
7) i am jealous because she has every opportunity to see you and takes none
8) i am jealous because you go to her first when you're sad and because if she loved you in the same way you love her then you would leave me and go to her; it is a simple fact that we all know and refuse to acknowledge.
9) i am jealous because i have never had a friend who will do that with me and i will never have a friend who will do that with me
10) you will break rules for her but you wouldn't for me
11) the 26th is always going to be i wrote to you for me and i fucked her for the first time for you and that's not fair
12) you don't remember. i told you and you forgot.
13) when do i get my twisted fairytale, because if this is it, i still have the short end of the stick

it's the most wonderful time of the year!
here's a hint: it starts with "g" and rhymes with "bender dysphoria".

nononononononononononononononononononononononoNONONONONOOONONONONONONONONONOONOONONONONONONONFUCK

i hate everyone and guess what? you're included!

this should be a fall out boy song
i'm gonna join fob just to write this

i kid
the new blog url is the name of my favorite organic compound

i'm relocating the blog
if you want the new url you can't have it

nope

apparently the mail came early today
nothing was there for me

sometimes i don't want to sleep but i do
now i want to sleep but i'm not going to
good night

the first thing that i did when i got your first letter was smell it

sometimes i wish i could flirt
taking others to their advantage
but i'm me and nothing more

i feel very sick and slightly dead

i don't know what i was expecting but it was essentially this

you need have the courage to be an absolute nobody

don't ask questions for answers that you're too afraid to hear

i looked at myself in the mirror and winced

i'm listening to christopher bill's talks and he said to stay in the beginner mindset as long as possible but i never had it, i was learning my scales from the moment i started
i really miss max in my fingertips today
i wanna kiss boys like 65 and girls like 35 but i have no interest in penises whatsoever and it is the most goddamn irritating thing
and i have so many friends i wanna kiss but not do much else with
i think i wanna start writing music like starry cat esque
i wonder if you glow in the dark
or if you just glow in the light
some parts of the moon are brighter than others
but you outshine them all by far
even when i can't see you at night

and i did my best to explain it to him but he's never going to understand

and then the other half really is that no one's ever going to think of me the way he thought of lindsey but that's once again accepting who i'll never be

and you said that you were crying over him

i honestly think that it's more of realizing that i'm never going to be karina and therefore i'm always going to fall short
that these hips and this face will never let me be elegant and this mind will never let me be eloquent and these fingers will never let me really convey what i want the audience to hear when i play
that i will never have the body i want in any way that the only part of me that i like is my neck
my fingers are broken and my elbows are creased and my arms scarred from lyme and other things and my shoulders are too broad for my head and square and my lips are fucking huge and my nose is "like a goddamn space shuttle" and one of my eyes is smaller than the other
my hair is a fucking disaster
i don't know what's going on with my boobs they don't look like boobs
and my stomach sticks out
people mention my ass
i can never get pants that fit right because my calves are so much smaller than my thighs and when i sit everything just sort of spreads and in the choir concert video you could pick me out because i was three inches at least taller than every other soprano
i take up too much space yet i'm still so fucking insufficient
i relapsed a few nights ago but i'm going to try not to again tonight
the rachmaninoff prelude in b minor is called the abyss but i call it the suicide prelude which you'd understand if you heard it
but this one isn't by rachmaninoff; this one is i think youre really beautiful by starry cat
flowers by the side of the road
a place to lay your head
you were drunk in bed
and every winter night i fell in love

i'm reading adam's blog but all it's doing is making me very angry and even more sad
i'm just gonna copy paste the thing i emailed (slightly edited) because i'd rather not write it again
---

there was one time two falls ago (in eighth grade) that we had a fire drill in my social studies class, which was essentially my gossip class with massimo and isaac and grant and everyone else near me, and we all went outside and the wind was blowing and i was catching leaves and isaac was watching me and massimo asked him "what man do you have a thing for her" and he's like "yeah" and i turned and massimo asked why and he said "because she's really beautiful"

and i blushed furiously because that was the first (and last) time someone has called me beautiful outside my family

i've gotten pretty on occasion and i've sarcastically gotten whoregeous but i have never been beautiful to anyone besides him and i probably never will be

the rest of the day i was radiant

there was one time in science in the end of december two days before school got out for break

it had snowed the day before a few inches and everything was damp and soggy and we were working on our triangle buildings and we had not-actually-broken-up two days earlier and ashley told him to put his arm around me

and on the day of battle of the classes we stayed by each other's sides the entire day and every time that even our knees touched it was sparkling and electric and i'll remember because that was one of the few times that i've ever felt that way

the first was with olivia once when working on the poetry project in seventh grade the other was with maxiwell once in eighth and it confused me

on new year's eve of 2013 matilda and i walked the half mile to his house at 10 PM with little warning and i hugged him and that was enough of a new year

that wasn't the first time i went, though; the first time was with izzy about a week after the day with the leaves. we went out to frozen yogurt at about 8 PM, after which she decided we should hang out with her friend jacob, but neither of us knew his address so of course i suggested we go to isaac's and ask him, and instead we rang his doorbell and talked to him and his mom and then dragged him to my house, and we all sat on top of my bed (back when there were bunk beds) and took a million selfies (all visible if you photostalk me on facebook) and watched x factor and he sat on the armrest and my head was on his shoulder and that's why the back of my neck on the right is a nice place

we sat together every day on the math bus and in all classes we could and we walked to school and from class to class and did all the projects together and he sat with me at lunch and he had the third nicest smell after max and sam and it didn't really last more than two months but that is the closest i'll ever get to the way adam was with lindsey and that, that is why the blog makes me sad, because there was something and it won't happen again

his voice is cUTE GOD DAMN
(my mom asked me if i was still gay and i was sort of like "well....")

911 what's your emergency
yes my boyfriend and i are pmsing at the same time

someday i want to cut off all my hair but i'm afraid i'll be even uglier than i already am
no it's not someday
i've fucking wanted to since the end of seventh grade but due to aforementioned reasons
people spring my curls and it makes me happyish but also sort of sad like why are you still here
9/9.5 times you are a pain
(hint look above)

i miss when my entire life was homestuck. that was a hell lot easier.

2 packs fruit snacks down, 18 to go.

when you say "i'll call later it's not like i can do anything else" it doesn't feel good

and i feel really eh about pit now

god damnit

guess who overreacted again that's right

i am sort of really tempted to curse him out right now but a) that would fix nothing and b) i'd feel like shit afterwards and probably start crying and c) so would he so like
god why the fuck do other people fight it doesn't solve anything

IF YOU SAY THAT YOU'RE FUCKING GOING TO CALL THEN YOU'D BETTER FUCKING CALL

WHY DO I KEEP FUCKING DOING THE THING
AND WHY CAN'T I JUST ACCEPT THAT IT EXISTED
AND WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL DWELLING ON IT AND WHY CAN'T I HANDLE ANYTHING GOD FUCKING DAMNIT

starry cat has quickly become my new favorite thing
he called when i was eating supper and i called back as soon as i could but he was pissy
and promised to call back when he got home
how does it take you 50 minutes to get back from a library
today after school i went to the band room and ate the rest of my fruit snacks and then victoria and laura and alex and abigail and erika and omowumi and i walked around for a while in the halls and laura took 90 million really bad pictures of me
"smile, charlotte!"
no
"please?"
no
"max!"
sHUT UP
i smiled
abigail speaks fluent french and german on top of english and semi-fluent russian and italian and spanish and she wants to work at the UN when she's older
she taught me how to say "fuck off you fucking whore" in russian but i forgot before i could ask max if it was right and it's not like i can ask him i mean he's under 900 hour surveillance and his parents would notice
we have also had gelato in this house for the past month and no one told me
the microwave lit on fire three times this afternoon and it's really comical at this point
like no one even panics we're all so used to it
my piano stuff was actually??? really really good she was really happy with me
mcghee's played the olympic theme 20 times in the past hour she just keeps getting faster and faster it's pretty awful
and it's on trumpet like piano i can blot out but trumpet's like n o
the bio teacher asked me if i was fine with being second semester lab partners with eliana
hint: i'm not

if you ask me i'll tell you that dates are stupid and my birthday is stupid and that i hate counting
but that's because i wasn't allowed to
that's because they remembered every. single. birthday except for mine in sixth grade, that no one pointed it out the entire day, that when i told grant he sort of laughed a bit and told me to get used to nobody caring because they didn't
and when i told isaac after one month that it was one month he smirked and walked away and i felt awful for the rest of the day
so i put my energy into learning everyone else's birthdays so that no one else would ever need to do the same
max - july 23rd
freddi - july 28th
maia - march 28th
laurel - november 26th
jordan - august 1st
jordan's mom - also november 26th
if you want to give me a list of every one that i remember it might take a few days, but if you somehow manage to fucking remember my birthday i will probably cry or be really confused
no one has

i am sort of trembling right now and i feel really sick
it is 7 47 and i need to stop doing things on purpose that will make me feel this way
but curiosity is and always will be a fatal flaw

today when i woke up my legs were cramped up from my ass down to my ankles
i hadn't stretched before this afternoon in like three days and now i remember why i started in the first place i could barely walk this morning
my dear sister is literally rationing out the remaining cream cheese triangles
i remembered the notebook i wrote in last year and my laptop from sixth-seventh-eighthfirsthalf grade is in my closet and i sort of want to look at it now
i saw hannah after school and she is beautiful and it makes me sad to look at her because we are not right for each other at all
the first thing i noticed about isaac was how much he slouches
the first thing i noticed about grant was that he spoke intelligently unlike everyone else on the second day of school
the first thing with olivia was the way her glasses rest on her nose

things that are pissing me off right now:

• max
• people not in long-distance relationships who pretend to understand long distance relationships
• people not in long-distance relationships overall
• gabe kaufman (he got into ithaca while failing half his classes)
• i got kicked off the piano
• my emotions are waaaaay too fucking tied to his like i wanna be happy tonight
• the word "ha" in general
• cactus emojis
• the heat in this house is fucking broken so my room is 70ish degrees and stuffy and the rest is almost freezing and dry
• my skin is disgusting
• my entire body is so fucking disgusting and i'm ugly and annoying that's what i took from today
• loud music
• trampolines
• my mom yells too loudly
• i feel like i'm about to vomit 9 times out of 9
• max
• my sister did her thing
• that fucking coat
• everything i do
• i just want to stop doing that would work well enough since i can't do anything right
• people that don't pick up the goddamn phone
• myself for realizing halfway through that i felt sick thinking about talking to him
• nail polish
• nails
• hand stamps tHAT WON'T WASH OFF???
• my mom again she wants me to get ready for bed
• movies
• socks
• homework
• the color purple
• my assigned english reading book it reminds me too much of english which reminds me of leah
• leah
• mariella
• all of my friends
• i just hate everything

but at the same time it's too hard to talk to him because he could be gone in an instant
he hasn't talked - no he has talked he just hasn't been himself but i can't do anything about any of it and he won't answer why so why even bother
yeah ask me why do i even fucking bother and i can give you a whole list of reasons but it all boils down to  i don't know what i'd do without him

they ask what do you love and he is always the response
they all could essentially count down to the 16th as soon as i knew because i told everyone every moment of the day
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 TOMORROW TODAY
you're going to see him on saturday? really? i nEVER WOULD'VE FUCKING GUESSED
i hope you get diarrhea when you finally see him
are you going to fucking shut up now
they don't question anymore when i come crying into second period, just let me put my head down and wait it out
and it doesn't matter if we've only spoken once you still know who he is
they don't ask what do you love what do you look forward to what keeps you alive why do you bother because they already know my response

it is very bad that every time he says something is going to change that he can feel it i immediately hope that he'll move closer to here
victoria is making me very happy right now and we're gonna play board game online tonight she promisssssed
"let's go!"
"bye charlemagne :D"
i am suddenly nostalgic for last november specifically the low brass party
i think that was my best night actually
not the 16th the night of the 16th was so horrible and the only reason why i knew it wasn't some dream was because there were pictures and i'm absolute garbage at photoshop
but that night was so.. happy? and chocolates and being more towards happyinlove instead of sadinlove
this would be so much better if i wasn't addicted to candy crush
i have a beautiful story in my head but no real way to write it
her name is saska asuka-lee banks and she was bullied in middle school which is the real reason why she goes to harrison
they all mistake her for a boy at first
she makes up a long-distance girlfriend to get them to stop hitting on her (annette, and she's jewish and lives in california)
she auditions for midsummer night's dream and gets cast as demetrius
by the end of the book she has friends

every single joint in m body is aching whenever i move it and i can't even look to my sides because my eyes hurt
i am cold and lonely and i hate the flu

"i think you should go to bed right now, maybe even sleep for a day or two"
my dad came in; we're sick with the same thing
i asked max to read to me and it was really calming seeing as i'm coughing up a storm
"are you still there?"
"uh huh"
"okay tell me when you want me to stop"
don't ever stop
your voice is my favorite voice out of all the voices

give me your hands and we'd be friends
and robin shall restore amends
does every single eighth grade class in america do midsummer night's dream
that speech was the first and last time i was better than ino at something i had it fucking memorized by act 1 scene 2
we had to switch off every two scenes playing puck (who i chose only after the teacher wouldn't let me be lysander) (she also wouldn't let me be peter in the diary of anne frank when we read it) (and called me a nazi once) (fun year)
but the teacher didn't like me and absolutely loved ino bUT GUESS WHO WAS A BETTER PUCK
we were the shakespeare sisters p much no one liked it quite as much as we did and we got to do all the dialogues when the acting workshop people came in
anyway so outback was sort of awful
because there were no open seats at the table with all my friends even though i texted them all ahead of time asking them to save me and mariella seats?
and when i asked they were like "sorry yeah nate's more important than you"
and i sort of lost it
and with all the shit that happened today i might've relapsed
no and faggot and six pockmarks on my left hand
they say that the first time you self harm is the only time you choose to self harm and that is entirely true i hate this i hate it
and i don't want to tell him about it because i'm supposed to become less attached
on the phone this morning he said to himself don't let all your happiness be devoted to one person and that's how i knew he was reading through the freddilog
and i managed to fucking misgender my boyfriend
i am absolute trash there is no question about it
whenever i cough it tastes like blood
and all my friends hate me
happy saturday, everyone

freddi told me i can't become too dependent on him which is entirely true
because when i am not talking to him i am thinking of him and when i'm not thinking of him i'm usually asleep
please forget me are three words that i think i'm going to hate
i look really exceptionally cute today but no one's going to give any fucks because he's the only one who's ever found me pretty
i think i can pull off this girl thing if i try hard enough
god like? on one hand i want to have really gorgeous long straight hair and wear makeup and be a Real Girl and on another hand i want to cut my hair short and bind my chest and never hear the name [removed] ever again and on a third hand i want to keep doing exactly what i'm doing except that is a lie
i don't like this not at all
it's a hell of a lot easier to do the first one than the second and so far this year my bullshit's been working and look who doesn't openly have dysphoria anymore!!!11
today was tchaik 5 (the concert) and in seven minutes i'm leaving for tchaik 5 (the afterparty at the outback steakhouse on route 22) so any stalkers i have come meet up with me i'm the one wearing the cat hat and reddish brown eyeshadow
there's a bar of rest in the third movement and i have a hacking cough and i might've broken the silence and vicki giggled
she and her sister literally only own floor length skirts, graphic t-shirts, and concert blacks i asked her
they're the best two musicians in the orchestra even better than william chang
van beveren told us that the new music would be up on the site and it's not that lying cunt
i should probably go now
let's go! (-victoria)

(over the summer she told him, "look
look out your window see the sun?
the sun and stars and moon you see
here i can see them too"
and he drew her playlists in his head
and missed her with his heart)
(over the summer she told him, "look
look at the stars they're his stars too
and just between me and you
i know someday that they'll be ours"
and she filled for him a 17 page book
of hallucinations and reasons to love)
(at the end of summer they said, "look
"i've been falling in some love with you"
"i was hoping you were that way too"
"you won't fall in love in the summer, right?"
"i've been dreaming of you every night"
it is a lie to say all after was light)

i am working on two projects right now
one is very small and i need for about two weeks from now and the other isn't for over half a year but i had to start a few days ago because of the vastness
mariella and erik and phil and alex and leah and ella and all these other people made me this massive playlist and i've been working my way through it
i didn't realize that time warp was from the rocky horror picture show OR that let's do it like they do it on the discovery channel was a real song but what do you know, they're both true
----
he just makes me so fucking happy when i talk to him
----
the varsity robotics team, which last year came in second at world championships, has come in dead last in every single competition they've been to. this included a home comp where they were beaten by the junior varsity and freshmen teams.
the junior varsity robotics team is now compromised entirely of freshmen, since all the competent people were immediately recruited to varsity. in this mix are eliana and rohan, who worked amazingly together the one time they agreed.
the freshmen robotics team, contrary to my previous beliefs, does in fact still exist, and is made up of isaac (who is unsurprisingly very very good at coding) and erik (who is shit at coding but worse at building) and some other kid (who does all the building).
i am going with erik on wednesday apparently to talk to the coach so i can get a copy of CRobot so i can learn how to code
isaac is apparently going to be my teacher