i hate everyone and guess what? you're included!

this should be a fall out boy song
i'm gonna join fob just to write this

i kid
the new blog url is the name of my favorite organic compound

i'm relocating the blog
if you want the new url you can't have it

nope

apparently the mail came early today
nothing was there for me

sometimes i don't want to sleep but i do
now i want to sleep but i'm not going to
good night

the first thing that i did when i got your first letter was smell it

sometimes i wish i could flirt
taking others to their advantage
but i'm me and nothing more

i feel very sick and slightly dead

i don't know what i was expecting but it was essentially this

you need have the courage to be an absolute nobody

don't ask questions for answers that you're too afraid to hear

i looked at myself in the mirror and winced

i'm listening to christopher bill's talks and he said to stay in the beginner mindset as long as possible but i never had it, i was learning my scales from the moment i started
i really miss max in my fingertips today
i wanna kiss boys like 65 and girls like 35 but i have no interest in penises whatsoever and it is the most goddamn irritating thing
and i have so many friends i wanna kiss but not do much else with
i think i wanna start writing music like starry cat esque
i wonder if you glow in the dark
or if you just glow in the light
some parts of the moon are brighter than others
but you outshine them all by far
even when i can't see you at night

and i did my best to explain it to him but he's never going to understand

and then the other half really is that no one's ever going to think of me the way he thought of lindsey but that's once again accepting who i'll never be

and you said that you were crying over him

i honestly think that it's more of realizing that i'm never going to be karina and therefore i'm always going to fall short
that these hips and this face will never let me be elegant and this mind will never let me be eloquent and these fingers will never let me really convey what i want the audience to hear when i play
that i will never have the body i want in any way that the only part of me that i like is my neck
my fingers are broken and my elbows are creased and my arms scarred from lyme and other things and my shoulders are too broad for my head and square and my lips are fucking huge and my nose is "like a goddamn space shuttle" and one of my eyes is smaller than the other
my hair is a fucking disaster
i don't know what's going on with my boobs they don't look like boobs
and my stomach sticks out
people mention my ass
i can never get pants that fit right because my calves are so much smaller than my thighs and when i sit everything just sort of spreads and in the choir concert video you could pick me out because i was three inches at least taller than every other soprano
i take up too much space yet i'm still so fucking insufficient
i relapsed a few nights ago but i'm going to try not to again tonight
the rachmaninoff prelude in b minor is called the abyss but i call it the suicide prelude which you'd understand if you heard it
but this one isn't by rachmaninoff; this one is i think youre really beautiful by starry cat
flowers by the side of the road
a place to lay your head
you were drunk in bed
and every winter night i fell in love

i'm reading adam's blog but all it's doing is making me very angry and even more sad
i'm just gonna copy paste the thing i emailed (slightly edited) because i'd rather not write it again
---

there was one time two falls ago (in eighth grade) that we had a fire drill in my social studies class, which was essentially my gossip class with massimo and isaac and grant and everyone else near me, and we all went outside and the wind was blowing and i was catching leaves and isaac was watching me and massimo asked him "what man do you have a thing for her" and he's like "yeah" and i turned and massimo asked why and he said "because she's really beautiful"

and i blushed furiously because that was the first (and last) time someone has called me beautiful outside my family

i've gotten pretty on occasion and i've sarcastically gotten whoregeous but i have never been beautiful to anyone besides him and i probably never will be

the rest of the day i was radiant

there was one time in science in the end of december two days before school got out for break

it had snowed the day before a few inches and everything was damp and soggy and we were working on our triangle buildings and we had not-actually-broken-up two days earlier and ashley told him to put his arm around me

and on the day of battle of the classes we stayed by each other's sides the entire day and every time that even our knees touched it was sparkling and electric and i'll remember because that was one of the few times that i've ever felt that way

the first was with olivia once when working on the poetry project in seventh grade the other was with maxiwell once in eighth and it confused me

on new year's eve of 2013 matilda and i walked the half mile to his house at 10 PM with little warning and i hugged him and that was enough of a new year

that wasn't the first time i went, though; the first time was with izzy about a week after the day with the leaves. we went out to frozen yogurt at about 8 PM, after which she decided we should hang out with her friend jacob, but neither of us knew his address so of course i suggested we go to isaac's and ask him, and instead we rang his doorbell and talked to him and his mom and then dragged him to my house, and we all sat on top of my bed (back when there were bunk beds) and took a million selfies (all visible if you photostalk me on facebook) and watched x factor and he sat on the armrest and my head was on his shoulder and that's why the back of my neck on the right is a nice place

we sat together every day on the math bus and in all classes we could and we walked to school and from class to class and did all the projects together and he sat with me at lunch and he had the third nicest smell after max and sam and it didn't really last more than two months but that is the closest i'll ever get to the way adam was with lindsey and that, that is why the blog makes me sad, because there was something and it won't happen again

his voice is cUTE GOD DAMN
(my mom asked me if i was still gay and i was sort of like "well....")