at least he's writing again

all of my pageviews are from germany.
guten tag.
when do i stop mentally referring to him as my girlfriend

you'd never ever be able to tell by looking at us now, but kami was my best friend up until the summer before she entered seventh grade and i, sixth.
she got into this really elite and community-like school called north branch with nine people per grade. it was in the middle of the woods and she had to do like four hours of homework a night and she was so happy there and whenever you talk about mass academy it's exactly like that all over again
and i can feel a deep boiling jealousy and i hate it it was exactly the same with her and it kind of destroyed us she never had the time to talk to me and i was too mad that i could never go there to think about anything else
because i should be happy that you get an escape out of the school system! you get to learn with good people! and do interesting things and you get a free fucking year of college and instant access to just about any school you apply to! but instead it's just like
i wanted to go to north branch and i never could
i want to go there and i never can
there are no escapes in my county if i lived one mile south i'd have all 10 union charter schools opened if i lived in south jersey there are a million schools there but i lost the lottery
it is a good school but i don't enjoy it and i want to go to somewhere that will change my life and wow i am such a selfish fucking bitch

fukfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfukfuckfuckfuckfuck

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the first time that i emailed you i was drinking tea
it was in the night i typed out two paragraphs deleted them retyped three and just
stood there
for a few minutes
and sent
my entire stomach collapsed into itself and i refreshed my email at least seven times that night and well over seven the next and then when i got home at the end of the day it was Inbox (1) and i read it and read it and read it again
you were just as interesting as i remembered and you drew me in with your words
(the second time i emailed you was nine days after the first and only because you told me to, in the same ask set that you mentioned how much you loved your girlfriend, and my stomach collapsed in a different way)
maia was next to me, reading over my shoulder as we went through the old blog.
the first person i told was gillian
no
the first people i told were mary and erin, at camp, and it wasn't a thing but i hoped it could become, and tonight feels like a night in june.
i don't know where this was going.
i was going to tell you myself at first but it didn't have the same magic for you; after all, you had already halfway built your army full of whores

if i lived there would you see me