i'm reading adam's blog but all it's doing is making me very angry and even more sad
i'm just gonna copy paste the thing i emailed (slightly edited) because i'd rather not write it again
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there was one time two falls ago (in eighth grade) that we had a fire drill in my social studies class, which was essentially my gossip class with massimo and isaac and grant and everyone else near me, and we all went outside and the wind was blowing and i was catching leaves and isaac was watching me and massimo asked him "what man do you have a thing for her" and he's like "yeah" and i turned and massimo asked why and he said "because she's really beautiful"

and i blushed furiously because that was the first (and last) time someone has called me beautiful outside my family

i've gotten pretty on occasion and i've sarcastically gotten whoregeous but i have never been beautiful to anyone besides him and i probably never will be

the rest of the day i was radiant

there was one time in science in the end of december two days before school got out for break

it had snowed the day before a few inches and everything was damp and soggy and we were working on our triangle buildings and we had not-actually-broken-up two days earlier and ashley told him to put his arm around me

and on the day of battle of the classes we stayed by each other's sides the entire day and every time that even our knees touched it was sparkling and electric and i'll remember because that was one of the few times that i've ever felt that way

the first was with olivia once when working on the poetry project in seventh grade the other was with maxiwell once in eighth and it confused me

on new year's eve of 2013 matilda and i walked the half mile to his house at 10 PM with little warning and i hugged him and that was enough of a new year

that wasn't the first time i went, though; the first time was with izzy about a week after the day with the leaves. we went out to frozen yogurt at about 8 PM, after which she decided we should hang out with her friend jacob, but neither of us knew his address so of course i suggested we go to isaac's and ask him, and instead we rang his doorbell and talked to him and his mom and then dragged him to my house, and we all sat on top of my bed (back when there were bunk beds) and took a million selfies (all visible if you photostalk me on facebook) and watched x factor and he sat on the armrest and my head was on his shoulder and that's why the back of my neck on the right is a nice place

we sat together every day on the math bus and in all classes we could and we walked to school and from class to class and did all the projects together and he sat with me at lunch and he had the third nicest smell after max and sam and it didn't really last more than two months but that is the closest i'll ever get to the way adam was with lindsey and that, that is why the blog makes me sad, because there was something and it won't happen again