i honestly think that it's more of realizing that i'm never going to be karina and therefore i'm always going to fall short
that these hips and this face will never let me be elegant and this mind will never let me be eloquent and these fingers will never let me really convey what i want the audience to hear when i play
that i will never have the body i want in any way that the only part of me that i like is my neck
my fingers are broken and my elbows are creased and my arms scarred from lyme and other things and my shoulders are too broad for my head and square and my lips are fucking huge and my nose is "like a goddamn space shuttle" and one of my eyes is smaller than the other
my hair is a fucking disaster
i don't know what's going on with my boobs they don't look like boobs
and my stomach sticks out
people mention my ass
i can never get pants that fit right because my calves are so much smaller than my thighs and when i sit everything just sort of spreads and in the choir concert video you could pick me out because i was three inches at least taller than every other soprano
i take up too much space yet i'm still so fucking insufficient
i relapsed a few nights ago but i'm going to try not to again tonight
the rachmaninoff prelude in b minor is called the abyss but i call it the suicide prelude which you'd understand if you heard it
but this one isn't by rachmaninoff; this one is i think youre really beautiful by starry cat
flowers by the side of the road
a place to lay your head
you were drunk in bed
and every winter night i fell in love