at least he's writing again

all of my pageviews are from germany.
guten tag.
when do i stop mentally referring to him as my girlfriend

you'd never ever be able to tell by looking at us now, but kami was my best friend up until the summer before she entered seventh grade and i, sixth.
she got into this really elite and community-like school called north branch with nine people per grade. it was in the middle of the woods and she had to do like four hours of homework a night and she was so happy there and whenever you talk about mass academy it's exactly like that all over again
and i can feel a deep boiling jealousy and i hate it it was exactly the same with her and it kind of destroyed us she never had the time to talk to me and i was too mad that i could never go there to think about anything else
because i should be happy that you get an escape out of the school system! you get to learn with good people! and do interesting things and you get a free fucking year of college and instant access to just about any school you apply to! but instead it's just like
i wanted to go to north branch and i never could
i want to go there and i never can
there are no escapes in my county if i lived one mile south i'd have all 10 union charter schools opened if i lived in south jersey there are a million schools there but i lost the lottery
it is a good school but i don't enjoy it and i want to go to somewhere that will change my life and wow i am such a selfish fucking bitch

fukfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfukfuckfuckfuckfuck

YOU FORGOT EAOIEWDJCOFIYEOAUSDCI FORIGET= YOU F UCKMINGA FORGOT YAOU SWOARE YOU FUCKING FAWSCOULWND'T YOU FUCKIBNGA CUNT I FUCJIOADNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGOAEIRUZDSJKLLLLA,,,M.J HTERA YAEOU  ANDOT YOU EVREWS FUCJING DARE

the first time that i emailed you i was drinking tea
it was in the night i typed out two paragraphs deleted them retyped three and just
stood there
for a few minutes
and sent
my entire stomach collapsed into itself and i refreshed my email at least seven times that night and well over seven the next and then when i got home at the end of the day it was Inbox (1) and i read it and read it and read it again
you were just as interesting as i remembered and you drew me in with your words
(the second time i emailed you was nine days after the first and only because you told me to, in the same ask set that you mentioned how much you loved your girlfriend, and my stomach collapsed in a different way)
maia was next to me, reading over my shoulder as we went through the old blog.
the first person i told was gillian
no
the first people i told were mary and erin, at camp, and it wasn't a thing but i hoped it could become, and tonight feels like a night in june.
i don't know where this was going.
i was going to tell you myself at first but it didn't have the same magic for you; after all, you had already halfway built your army full of whores

if i lived there would you see me

my stomach is just a knot

i have so much anger in my fingertips

stay on your toes and wathc me and dont let me get away with dismissing anthing

it's not okay even though i knew it

or if they do they will never match

no one is ever going to fall in love with me

middle school relationship (draft from 12/14/13)

he was cute and i wanted to talk to him, but i was too afraid, so i worked up all my nerve to send one message. he responded. he was as funny as he was a bastard as he was cute and it made me smile.
--
after the hurricane, me and him and granthony and guterbitch and gabe would go into the village and have a nutritious breakfast of scones and hot chocolate, and i'd mooch off their food because i had no money
we had the entire bus to the middle school to ourselves, yet he still sat next to me.
--
izzy and i were hanging out in the village with nothing to do, so we went to his house. we were the first visitors his family had had since moving to my town. we got him and dragged him to my house and we all sat on my bed taking selfies until my mom yelled at us to stop, and we watched x factor and made fun of bea. we sat in the same chair.
--
there was one time when the bus didn't show up for ten minutes, so i decided that i'd just walk to the school instead. i expected more people to come with me, but he was the only one that walked. his breath fogged up the air. we got there just as the bus arrived.
--
everyone knew that he liked me; nobody knew that the feelings were reciprocated except for me. they would tease him all the time to just ask me out already. when i told him, he proposed that we date for a day to get them to shut up, then break up immediately after.
well we did, and when they day was over, neither of us wanted to stop.
--
we were together for the entire day before the break; all two of our classes without the other had been canceled. the evil bitchy girls would yell at him "why her? are you guys gonna fuck in front of us?" i bowed my head and tried to disappear.

you promised so many times in the notebook that you would write me more letters and you never did.

1) don't ask if i want you to leave when you're going to leave anyway. i don't fucking want you to leave. i never fucking want you to leave and if i do ask you to leave it's because i'm afraid you want to and don't want to admit it.
"do you want me to get off the phone"
no i don't know
"well i have to leave anyway"
2) "use your words. articulate."
don't you dare ever talk to me like i'm a fucking six year old
3) i stopped watching orphan black because i wanted to talk to you
not that you'd know
not that you'd care
4) i'm always the one who calls first
5) you can lie to your parents and sneak out of the house to go see april, but you can't fucking ask them if you can come here
6) i am jealous because she can be awful to you and you will still love her no matter what
she treats you the way you treat me and i respond to you the way you respond to her
7) i am jealous because she has every opportunity to see you and takes none
8) i am jealous because you go to her first when you're sad and because if she loved you in the same way you love her then you would leave me and go to her; it is a simple fact that we all know and refuse to acknowledge.
9) i am jealous because i have never had a friend who will do that with me and i will never have a friend who will do that with me
10) you will break rules for her but you wouldn't for me
11) the 26th is always going to be i wrote to you for me and i fucked her for the first time for you and that's not fair
12) you don't remember. i told you and you forgot.
13) when do i get my twisted fairytale, because if this is it, i still have the short end of the stick