a year in review

there is a journaling site called 750words that i've used sporadically over the past few years
sporadically meaning i have a total of 16 entries over nearly two years
don't go and look it up; the guy who runs it made it a pay-only site with free lifetime memberships for anyone who signed up before january 2013
i am looking at my journal entries from last january and december and they are all so happy that i can't even believe i wrote them because i was extremely physically ill
"i'm finally getting the IVIG (intra venous immuno globulin) on tuesday! i'm not allowed to call it gamma anymore according to my mom because that sounds like a nuclear weapon of some sort. i have to leave for the city at 7 .-. and it starts at 8 30 O_O but it'll be fine, i get cheese blintzes and internet all day and i wish i could bring matilda but her parents said it's not a good enough reason to miss school."
this was back when i was sick every single day without fail i don't know how i was so happy
this was back when my english teacher told me i would grow up to be a sociopath and i was bullied every day for my body shape but before isaac joined that group
this was back when i stalked max's blog but didn't talk to him even though he was interesting because i knew he already had a girlfriend
i wish i could go back to then in a way
tomorrow is one year since he asked out karina which means that it is one year minus two days since i found her blog and realized that there were people who liked unicorns even more than i did
the major difference between me and him is that all the people he loved loved him back even if it was only for a short while
and that he can find people who like him enough to talk to him where i have alex schuetz when he's not preoccupied with abigail and him and sometimes freddi
he's currently getting off to april getting off and i am sort of sitting here crying because i can't find purpose in anything
i'm going to go back to school and deal with the fact that i skipped three bio labs this quarter and deal with the fact that none of my friends particularly like me and hate everything and deal with the fact that i didn't memorize my lines for twelfth night and deal with the fact that none of my teachers really like me anymore either or that i still have an 80 in math or that everything reminds me of him or that i can't do gym anymore but i still have to pass it somehow
"sorry" he says and i don't respond because this is his moment not mine
and i could actually explode at him right now but that would benefit no one
he can complain about wanting more friends with benefits but i can't complain about wanting friends
and i can never link to this blog anywhere because people have to think i'm happy
when in reality i have stopped crying for the moment 
for the moment
the title to my tumblr is YOU ARE GOING TO DIE which is on the first page of the book thief
---HERE IS A SMALL FACT---
       You are going to die.
it is written above my mirror as a reminder that everyone is the same in the end
we'll all end up corpses so what does it matter, right?
except it does matter it matters somehow and it is easier not to question why it does matter than accept that it does
i want to fast forward to ten years from now when we are living together or one day from now when i've slept and cleaned out my drawers
my mom becomes more of a bitch the older i get
and all i really want is cake

thoughts from a car, trip 3, installment 1

I promised my grandma that I’d take my move in Words With Friends whenever I had Internet, and it’s beginning now. She hasn’t yet figured out that I cheat relentlessly.

BIDED, 16 points

These are the nice grandparents who aren’t conservative and live on the outskirts of a village in Upstate New York that has about 450 people, including all of the farmers on the surrounding highways. They’ve lived here for over fifty years, and will stay until they die. Rarely do new people arrive; even more rarely does anyone leave. If you are born there, you will probably die there.

My mom and all her siblings managed to leave.

The cousins that we saw live in New Hampshire. The way to their house goes through Max’s town; I looked it up on Google Maps. This is about the third time this weekend I’ve asked my mom when the next time we’ll see them is.

“Why are you so interested in going to see Billy and Donnie?”

i don’t know; i’m just curious

Someday she’ll know.

The town is almost ritualistic. There is one church that about a quarter of the town attends, and is the center of social life. If the church is having a pasta dinner, you will be eating pasta. If there’s a peace pole ceremony, you’ll be at that peace pole. My grandma is in the choir. You can see her age as you go along the row of choir pictures from 1958 on. She has her set group of friends that she plays Scrabble with every other Tuesday.

My grandpa and about ten other men religiously attend the diner at 7 AM every morning, which was at first in one location until they migrated due to coffee being $0.05 lower at Tam’s, which closed down last year and was replaced in the same building by Cindy’s, with no changes except for the removal of Eggs Benedict from the menu and getting rid of all the dirt and the Mike and Ike’s machine. They don’t like the artificial maple syrup provided, so they bring their own and keep it stored in the fridge in the back, labeled by name.

I read McGhee some of the riddles on the placemats this morning.

What’s the smallest planet?

Pluto.

“But Pluto isn’t a planet!”

What’s the difference between a tree and a bush?

Trucks.

“Trunks?”

No, trucks. T-R-U-C-K-S.

How many people get bitten by dragonflies every year?
The coyote.

“What does that even mean?”

It hit me last night that I am not going to get to see him again before the end of this year, or probably the most of next year, and so much is going to change in such a small amount of time if her mom even says a word that it is painful to think about.

I offered Gabe half my soul and an entire cake if he’d bring me to his town, since Gabe’s the only friend who can drive and won’t ask questions. He hasn’t responded yet.

Love is patient; love is kind. Love has so many flaws.

I dreamed he was here and then woke up and cried.

The cousins just passed us on the highway. I didn’t notice at first. My aunt started waving from the side window and for some reason I looked up. She has double G boobs that everyone makes fun of her over and the same wide hips and thighs that I was cursed with, along with no one in this family of sticks with fast metabolisms.

If I had her as a mother, I think it would be quite a bit easier, but then I remember that that uncle is a lobster fisher and quickly take it back.

I have my aunt’s waist (which must’ve come from somewhere further back) and my conservative grandma’s eyes (the only brown ones other than hers in the family) and my great grandma’s skin (oily to death) and my dad’s feet (too large) and teeth that are made up of the worst genes from every family member and smashed together (five extra and extraordinary overbite and ridiculous spacing and far too large and a pain to deal with).

No one knows where I got my hair from. It’s the only thing that is just for me. I suspect the milkman.

Mom, whose hair do i have?

“It’s like mine.”

But yours is light brown and straight.

The entire point of giving me this computer was so that it could charge and I could use it outside of my room, but the only main thing that changed was that I started taking more selfies.

There is one world with a girl named Diamond who gets into Salem Witches’ Institute and another where a pixie girl in the underground world is in training to be her culture’s form of a professional kayaker but their province rarely gets rain and another where the horse gets stolen and I want to write them all but I don’t know where to begin.

Max and I were going to do a collab thing called Remembering Game which just turned into his for lack of a better name because the idea was his and only he could really write it and he will deny it until he dies but his prose is so much better than mine.

One down, two to go.

One down, two to go.

I can’t even imagine how nice it must be to have friends with benefits.

Last night on the phone he told me that it sucks having three friends when he barely knows one, the second is back and forth, and the third lives 200 miles away, and I almost asked what about Jason what about April what about Caroline and Emma but I realized there was no point because he’d get mad and give me the only response he ever does when I ask that.

Most of my friends here are roughly at Caroline and Emma level; I wouldn’t trust them with much and they only think they know me. Honestly, the person at my school who knows the most about me is Erik, and that is by no means a good thing.

There is the off chance that I am going to a New Year’s Eve party this year and I am much excited such wow level excited, but at the same time afrad because if Laura doesn’t go I don’t know what I’ll do, seeing as I can’t work myself into conversations alone and nobody else cares enough to help me try.

She has just as much shit that she’s hiding as anyone else and I am starting to see it and it is so odd; she seemed like one of the most upbeat people for the longest time.

3 hours 8 minutes of battery remaining. 5 hours 8 minutes of car ride left to go. I want to play Solitaire but I don’t think it’s on this computer. Huge surprise, it’s not.

I want to talk to Max but he’s doing the smart math thing and I don’t have internet anyway.

Then again, I almost always want to talk to Max.

The collar did the job, he wrote, which did not help how much I want to see him.

We just passed the sign for MASS TURNPIKE EXIT 21A BOSTON and I winced.

I asked my mom as a joke if we could take it and she asked why.

Max.

“Very funny.”
She doesn’t realize I’m dead serious.

We went to a rest stop and got Combos (for everyone else) and Starbucks (for me, assuming that I paid for it myself) and there was a boy with red hair who wasn’t him and long distance relationships are indescribably awful but he is indescribably brilliant.
I am afraid I’ll slap the next person who tells me they know how I feel.

Mariella asked me who the girl is and I told her and I think she is confused.

Freddi is getting into a long distance relationship and I told her to run while she still can.

Everything is hurt and if he was here he’d be sitting next to me.

My mom is currently on the wifi and she won’t let me on. Fuck you too, Mom.

I have been typing up poems for a secret document and I realized what was meant in The Falls of Love and it sort of slapped me very quickly and very fast.

3 hours 30 minutes left in the car two hours 30 minutes left of battery life.

I am staring at myself in the front mirror and my eyebrows are sort of scaring me and I have no idea what he even sees.

My bangs naturally come over my right eye no matter how hard I try to get them out.

I don’t even know how Jairo sees. Apparently the Latin teacher spent half a class period trying to get his hair out of his eyes for him and it Would Not Move. James and I joke that he and Charlie communicate through scene kid signals being emitted from their bangs.

Mom can i have five minutes of wifi

“You can have three.”

Hell fucking yes

thoughts from a car 2.0

Every time I start up this computer, it shows the “Brother Control Center” popup but I always read it as “Birth Control Center” and think of Planned Parenthood and swear once again that I’ll never get pregnant.

All of my battery settings are on SAVE ME but I still only have 1 hour 34 minutes left for a five hour trip. Please fuck me.

The background is from Max.

This car is only peaceful because we are about forty-five minutes into the trip, which isn’t long enough for McGhee and Marshall to kill each other or my dad to need coffee or my mom to yell. There is Christmas music playing on the radio and Marshall is begging to play on the iPad and all car trips are almost exactly the same.

McGhee got her Battle of the Books list and it is almost exactly the same as mine was.

“The fountain book? with the fountains? Did you have that one?” yes

“Small Steps the Year I Got Polio?” yes if you want my copy you can have it i stole it from the library

how did you accomplish that asks my mom

they had like ninety something copies so i told them i returned it and that it was in there somewhere and they never really bothered to look, they just cleared my fine

She is going through her test grades from the past week. “Science? 25/25. Common Core Questions? 9/9.” She’ll have a hard time in high school when she needs to start studying.

Some senior whose sister is in my grade got a full lacrosse scholarship and Ned Vizzini committed suicide and I am not surprised about either.

“What is my average score?”

100.

“That’s right!”

I have heard nothing from Max all day today, and when he called in the morning I called back within 15 seconds and it rung once before he didn’t pick up (it always rings five times always), and this afternoon I called and he called back but when I picked it up it was just a dial tone and I don’t know what I did wrong.

April is back now finally and I am crossing all my fingers and most of my toes that she’s the reason why he won’t pick up his phone because then he’ll be happy and it will be okay.

If I end up dating her I don’t know how long it would last because I am so hopelessly obsessive over people I date. I’d always try to talk to Isaac when that was a thing and Max is the center of my world (although that could be in part because he is part of me). She would probably be so scared and it would end very fast.

She is so beautiful and she has the voice of an angel and all I know about her mind is that it is not completely regular but I want to get to know it and I want to be able to talk to her and know her and hold her.

It won’t work the way that Max and I worked because she and I are at the same school and other people can tell us things about the other but with me and Max it was learning everything for the first time and realizing very quickly yes, this is the person i’m meant to be with, this will be a thing, this will, this will, this will

I still remember the first time I realized that I was falling in love.

He is all of a sudden very much in trouble and so is April and everything has gone to shit.

The only friend her and I have in common is Peter and is that even enough?

India is one of the most interesting people in my grade. She is like Super Catholic Level 9000 and has a coop of chickens in her backyard and lives right on the golf course in a sprawling Victorian house that looks like a palace and her little sister is very sweet.

In sixth grade her and Matilda and Talia and Sydney Territo and I were all really good friends. Her basement was very odd. We made an antibullying project called That Is Not Respect that involved falling off fences and hiding in trash cans, and I played the horse and the mushroom in her English end-of-year project.

In seventh grade, she and Sydney decided they were too cool for me and Matilda, and Talia (who didn’t like me to begin with) was caught in the middle of staying with Matilda or them, and she chose them for a long time. That was the year India started sending me death threats.

In eighth grade, India didn’t care about me at all but Sydney and I were gym buddies and me and her and Mariella all followed each other on Tumblr and gossiped.

This year, I see none of them.

Give my computer to Fallon.

Give my computer to Fallon.

How is she going to take this?
How is anyone?

If he legally died today he would legally die as Anastasia and that is not alright.

Who the fuck is Anastasia even definitely not him.

I cannot see how anyone would ever think that to be his name it does not fit him at all and he’s not a girl what even.

“We only have 301 more hours until the kids go back to school.” –my lovely father

We have only just entered New York State and we’ve been in the car for 1.5 hours.

I am going to use up my remaining battery talking to him. There’s no point in blogging.

we are breaking apart and we both know why and we're both powerless to stop it

six conversations

i am talking to max and he has just woken up and it is tense and i am worried because there has been an undiscussed tension over the past few days
he says that he loves me twice and i say it in reply and it is not the same when we are apart

i am talking to the entire math class and explaining exponent rules to them and ms noonan and anshul are looking at me with the "when did she get intelligent" face
it is finally a topic that i understand and i'll embrace it all i want

i am talking to paula because i did not do the bio homework and she is two periods before so he won't suspect a thing
she groans as she hands me over the answer sheet

i am talking to my dad as i shake the snow out of my hair and wipe off my ice-crusted glasses and consider putting on dry clothes but realize pneumonia would mean not going outside for a week
he asks me if i had a nice walk home and i almost slap him but laugh instead

i am talking to phil and he is in psychological trouble and he missed school today because he did something stupid
he thinks i can't tell but i can see right through his bullshit

i am talking to freddi about her skills/sped class and realizing that we are becoming friends
this isn't a problem as long as she stops texting me in english

i am talking to alex schuetz about a game called don't starve where you try not to starve and i am realizing how bad i am at the talking thing
he has a girlfriend now and i have to admit i was like what for a second

at about 4:30 i heard a voice in my head saying ‘tenth he came in tenth’ and i tried to push it away and then he called 24 minutes later

i am tired i feel nauseous and my head hurts and i miss him the countdown is still at 132 days (18 weeks 6 days 5 hours)

sophia’s kissed more people than me as i found out today

they also completely wrapped me in duct tape

platonic makeouts are not a thing that happen here

although even if they did i doubt it would be a thing that i’d partake again who the fuck would kiss me

there is also the matter of alex schuetz

like i am very much platonically and romantically attracted to him but not?? sexually?? at all????? usually when i’m romantically attracted to someone sexually comes along but this time it’s like he’s a fabulous friend and i’d like to be all coupley with him but i wouldn’t fuck him

there is also the problem that people here don’t get polyamorous relationships as a thing like when i tell people about max the immediate assumption is “yep she’s taken” when no i really am not

my sister was doing the thing again this morning where she talks about how fat i am that is what i left the house to

i am slowly realizing that i’m becoming more food nazi to myself than my mom like i did not want to eat anything today but susan makes me i had a bowl full of chili and i feel awful and fat and disgusting

teach your child a mindset and they’ll carry it for life

i want to go on minecraft real bad
why is this font color fucked up