911 what's your emergency
yes my boyfriend and i are pmsing at the same time

someday i want to cut off all my hair but i'm afraid i'll be even uglier than i already am
no it's not someday
i've fucking wanted to since the end of seventh grade but due to aforementioned reasons
people spring my curls and it makes me happyish but also sort of sad like why are you still here
9/9.5 times you are a pain
(hint look above)

i miss when my entire life was homestuck. that was a hell lot easier.

2 packs fruit snacks down, 18 to go.

when you say "i'll call later it's not like i can do anything else" it doesn't feel good

and i feel really eh about pit now

god damnit

guess who overreacted again that's right

i am sort of really tempted to curse him out right now but a) that would fix nothing and b) i'd feel like shit afterwards and probably start crying and c) so would he so like
god why the fuck do other people fight it doesn't solve anything

IF YOU SAY THAT YOU'RE FUCKING GOING TO CALL THEN YOU'D BETTER FUCKING CALL

WHY DO I KEEP FUCKING DOING THE THING
AND WHY CAN'T I JUST ACCEPT THAT IT EXISTED
AND WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL DWELLING ON IT AND WHY CAN'T I HANDLE ANYTHING GOD FUCKING DAMNIT

starry cat has quickly become my new favorite thing
he called when i was eating supper and i called back as soon as i could but he was pissy
and promised to call back when he got home
how does it take you 50 minutes to get back from a library
today after school i went to the band room and ate the rest of my fruit snacks and then victoria and laura and alex and abigail and erika and omowumi and i walked around for a while in the halls and laura took 90 million really bad pictures of me
"smile, charlotte!"
no
"please?"
no
"max!"
sHUT UP
i smiled
abigail speaks fluent french and german on top of english and semi-fluent russian and italian and spanish and she wants to work at the UN when she's older
she taught me how to say "fuck off you fucking whore" in russian but i forgot before i could ask max if it was right and it's not like i can ask him i mean he's under 900 hour surveillance and his parents would notice
we have also had gelato in this house for the past month and no one told me
the microwave lit on fire three times this afternoon and it's really comical at this point
like no one even panics we're all so used to it
my piano stuff was actually??? really really good she was really happy with me
mcghee's played the olympic theme 20 times in the past hour she just keeps getting faster and faster it's pretty awful
and it's on trumpet like piano i can blot out but trumpet's like n o
the bio teacher asked me if i was fine with being second semester lab partners with eliana
hint: i'm not

if you ask me i'll tell you that dates are stupid and my birthday is stupid and that i hate counting
but that's because i wasn't allowed to
that's because they remembered every. single. birthday except for mine in sixth grade, that no one pointed it out the entire day, that when i told grant he sort of laughed a bit and told me to get used to nobody caring because they didn't
and when i told isaac after one month that it was one month he smirked and walked away and i felt awful for the rest of the day
so i put my energy into learning everyone else's birthdays so that no one else would ever need to do the same
max - july 23rd
freddi - july 28th
maia - march 28th
laurel - november 26th
jordan - august 1st
jordan's mom - also november 26th
if you want to give me a list of every one that i remember it might take a few days, but if you somehow manage to fucking remember my birthday i will probably cry or be really confused
no one has

i am sort of trembling right now and i feel really sick
it is 7 47 and i need to stop doing things on purpose that will make me feel this way
but curiosity is and always will be a fatal flaw

today when i woke up my legs were cramped up from my ass down to my ankles
i hadn't stretched before this afternoon in like three days and now i remember why i started in the first place i could barely walk this morning
my dear sister is literally rationing out the remaining cream cheese triangles
i remembered the notebook i wrote in last year and my laptop from sixth-seventh-eighthfirsthalf grade is in my closet and i sort of want to look at it now
i saw hannah after school and she is beautiful and it makes me sad to look at her because we are not right for each other at all
the first thing i noticed about isaac was how much he slouches
the first thing i noticed about grant was that he spoke intelligently unlike everyone else on the second day of school
the first thing with olivia was the way her glasses rest on her nose

things that are pissing me off right now:

• max
• people not in long-distance relationships who pretend to understand long distance relationships
• people not in long-distance relationships overall
• gabe kaufman (he got into ithaca while failing half his classes)
• i got kicked off the piano
• my emotions are waaaaay too fucking tied to his like i wanna be happy tonight
• the word "ha" in general
• cactus emojis
• the heat in this house is fucking broken so my room is 70ish degrees and stuffy and the rest is almost freezing and dry
• my skin is disgusting
• my entire body is so fucking disgusting and i'm ugly and annoying that's what i took from today
• loud music
• trampolines
• my mom yells too loudly
• i feel like i'm about to vomit 9 times out of 9
• max
• my sister did her thing
• that fucking coat
• everything i do
• i just want to stop doing that would work well enough since i can't do anything right
• people that don't pick up the goddamn phone
• myself for realizing halfway through that i felt sick thinking about talking to him
• nail polish
• nails
• hand stamps tHAT WON'T WASH OFF???
• my mom again she wants me to get ready for bed
• movies
• socks
• homework
• the color purple
• my assigned english reading book it reminds me too much of english which reminds me of leah
• leah
• mariella
• all of my friends
• i just hate everything

but at the same time it's too hard to talk to him because he could be gone in an instant
he hasn't talked - no he has talked he just hasn't been himself but i can't do anything about any of it and he won't answer why so why even bother
yeah ask me why do i even fucking bother and i can give you a whole list of reasons but it all boils down to  i don't know what i'd do without him

they ask what do you love and he is always the response
they all could essentially count down to the 16th as soon as i knew because i told everyone every moment of the day
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 TOMORROW TODAY
you're going to see him on saturday? really? i nEVER WOULD'VE FUCKING GUESSED
i hope you get diarrhea when you finally see him
are you going to fucking shut up now
they don't question anymore when i come crying into second period, just let me put my head down and wait it out
and it doesn't matter if we've only spoken once you still know who he is
they don't ask what do you love what do you look forward to what keeps you alive why do you bother because they already know my response

it is very bad that every time he says something is going to change that he can feel it i immediately hope that he'll move closer to here
victoria is making me very happy right now and we're gonna play board game online tonight she promisssssed
"let's go!"
"bye charlemagne :D"
i am suddenly nostalgic for last november specifically the low brass party
i think that was my best night actually
not the 16th the night of the 16th was so horrible and the only reason why i knew it wasn't some dream was because there were pictures and i'm absolute garbage at photoshop
but that night was so.. happy? and chocolates and being more towards happyinlove instead of sadinlove
this would be so much better if i wasn't addicted to candy crush
i have a beautiful story in my head but no real way to write it
her name is saska asuka-lee banks and she was bullied in middle school which is the real reason why she goes to harrison
they all mistake her for a boy at first
she makes up a long-distance girlfriend to get them to stop hitting on her (annette, and she's jewish and lives in california)
she auditions for midsummer night's dream and gets cast as demetrius
by the end of the book she has friends

every single joint in m body is aching whenever i move it and i can't even look to my sides because my eyes hurt
i am cold and lonely and i hate the flu

"i think you should go to bed right now, maybe even sleep for a day or two"
my dad came in; we're sick with the same thing
i asked max to read to me and it was really calming seeing as i'm coughing up a storm
"are you still there?"
"uh huh"
"okay tell me when you want me to stop"
don't ever stop
your voice is my favorite voice out of all the voices

give me your hands and we'd be friends
and robin shall restore amends
does every single eighth grade class in america do midsummer night's dream
that speech was the first and last time i was better than ino at something i had it fucking memorized by act 1 scene 2
we had to switch off every two scenes playing puck (who i chose only after the teacher wouldn't let me be lysander) (she also wouldn't let me be peter in the diary of anne frank when we read it) (and called me a nazi once) (fun year)
but the teacher didn't like me and absolutely loved ino bUT GUESS WHO WAS A BETTER PUCK
we were the shakespeare sisters p much no one liked it quite as much as we did and we got to do all the dialogues when the acting workshop people came in
anyway so outback was sort of awful
because there were no open seats at the table with all my friends even though i texted them all ahead of time asking them to save me and mariella seats?
and when i asked they were like "sorry yeah nate's more important than you"
and i sort of lost it
and with all the shit that happened today i might've relapsed
no and faggot and six pockmarks on my left hand
they say that the first time you self harm is the only time you choose to self harm and that is entirely true i hate this i hate it
and i don't want to tell him about it because i'm supposed to become less attached
on the phone this morning he said to himself don't let all your happiness be devoted to one person and that's how i knew he was reading through the freddilog
and i managed to fucking misgender my boyfriend
i am absolute trash there is no question about it
whenever i cough it tastes like blood
and all my friends hate me
happy saturday, everyone

freddi told me i can't become too dependent on him which is entirely true
because when i am not talking to him i am thinking of him and when i'm not thinking of him i'm usually asleep
please forget me are three words that i think i'm going to hate
i look really exceptionally cute today but no one's going to give any fucks because he's the only one who's ever found me pretty
i think i can pull off this girl thing if i try hard enough
god like? on one hand i want to have really gorgeous long straight hair and wear makeup and be a Real Girl and on another hand i want to cut my hair short and bind my chest and never hear the name [removed] ever again and on a third hand i want to keep doing exactly what i'm doing except that is a lie
i don't like this not at all
it's a hell of a lot easier to do the first one than the second and so far this year my bullshit's been working and look who doesn't openly have dysphoria anymore!!!11
today was tchaik 5 (the concert) and in seven minutes i'm leaving for tchaik 5 (the afterparty at the outback steakhouse on route 22) so any stalkers i have come meet up with me i'm the one wearing the cat hat and reddish brown eyeshadow
there's a bar of rest in the third movement and i have a hacking cough and i might've broken the silence and vicki giggled
she and her sister literally only own floor length skirts, graphic t-shirts, and concert blacks i asked her
they're the best two musicians in the orchestra even better than william chang
van beveren told us that the new music would be up on the site and it's not that lying cunt
i should probably go now
let's go! (-victoria)

(over the summer she told him, "look
look out your window see the sun?
the sun and stars and moon you see
here i can see them too"
and he drew her playlists in his head
and missed her with his heart)
(over the summer she told him, "look
look at the stars they're his stars too
and just between me and you
i know someday that they'll be ours"
and she filled for him a 17 page book
of hallucinations and reasons to love)
(at the end of summer they said, "look
"i've been falling in some love with you"
"i was hoping you were that way too"
"you won't fall in love in the summer, right?"
"i've been dreaming of you every night"
it is a lie to say all after was light)

i am working on two projects right now
one is very small and i need for about two weeks from now and the other isn't for over half a year but i had to start a few days ago because of the vastness
mariella and erik and phil and alex and leah and ella and all these other people made me this massive playlist and i've been working my way through it
i didn't realize that time warp was from the rocky horror picture show OR that let's do it like they do it on the discovery channel was a real song but what do you know, they're both true
----
he just makes me so fucking happy when i talk to him
----
the varsity robotics team, which last year came in second at world championships, has come in dead last in every single competition they've been to. this included a home comp where they were beaten by the junior varsity and freshmen teams.
the junior varsity robotics team is now compromised entirely of freshmen, since all the competent people were immediately recruited to varsity. in this mix are eliana and rohan, who worked amazingly together the one time they agreed.
the freshmen robotics team, contrary to my previous beliefs, does in fact still exist, and is made up of isaac (who is unsurprisingly very very good at coding) and erik (who is shit at coding but worse at building) and some other kid (who does all the building).
i am going with erik on wednesday apparently to talk to the coach so i can get a copy of CRobot so i can learn how to code
isaac is apparently going to be my teacher