a year in review

there is a journaling site called 750words that i've used sporadically over the past few years
sporadically meaning i have a total of 16 entries over nearly two years
don't go and look it up; the guy who runs it made it a pay-only site with free lifetime memberships for anyone who signed up before january 2013
i am looking at my journal entries from last january and december and they are all so happy that i can't even believe i wrote them because i was extremely physically ill
"i'm finally getting the IVIG (intra venous immuno globulin) on tuesday! i'm not allowed to call it gamma anymore according to my mom because that sounds like a nuclear weapon of some sort. i have to leave for the city at 7 .-. and it starts at 8 30 O_O but it'll be fine, i get cheese blintzes and internet all day and i wish i could bring matilda but her parents said it's not a good enough reason to miss school."
this was back when i was sick every single day without fail i don't know how i was so happy
this was back when my english teacher told me i would grow up to be a sociopath and i was bullied every day for my body shape but before isaac joined that group
this was back when i stalked max's blog but didn't talk to him even though he was interesting because i knew he already had a girlfriend
i wish i could go back to then in a way
tomorrow is one year since he asked out karina which means that it is one year minus two days since i found her blog and realized that there were people who liked unicorns even more than i did
the major difference between me and him is that all the people he loved loved him back even if it was only for a short while
and that he can find people who like him enough to talk to him where i have alex schuetz when he's not preoccupied with abigail and him and sometimes freddi
he's currently getting off to april getting off and i am sort of sitting here crying because i can't find purpose in anything
i'm going to go back to school and deal with the fact that i skipped three bio labs this quarter and deal with the fact that none of my friends particularly like me and hate everything and deal with the fact that i didn't memorize my lines for twelfth night and deal with the fact that none of my teachers really like me anymore either or that i still have an 80 in math or that everything reminds me of him or that i can't do gym anymore but i still have to pass it somehow
"sorry" he says and i don't respond because this is his moment not mine
and i could actually explode at him right now but that would benefit no one
he can complain about wanting more friends with benefits but i can't complain about wanting friends
and i can never link to this blog anywhere because people have to think i'm happy
when in reality i have stopped crying for the moment 
for the moment
the title to my tumblr is YOU ARE GOING TO DIE which is on the first page of the book thief
---HERE IS A SMALL FACT---
       You are going to die.
it is written above my mirror as a reminder that everyone is the same in the end
we'll all end up corpses so what does it matter, right?
except it does matter it matters somehow and it is easier not to question why it does matter than accept that it does
i want to fast forward to ten years from now when we are living together or one day from now when i've slept and cleaned out my drawers
my mom becomes more of a bitch the older i get
and all i really want is cake